Nightmares and The Absence of Presence

I woke up today morning feeling choked and claustrophobic. I had a bad dream. A bad bad dream. About things I shudder to speak of. No, it wasn't really that traumatic, but there is always something in everyone's life that touch a sensitive spot, and the reactions to that you can't control. At first I kept delaying my getting up, and then after I finally did get up, I tried to be normal for half an hour. But then I gave in to the feeling of shitiness, anger, despair and hurt that usually follows my nightmares. (Yes, bad dreams are somewhat of a frequent occurance in my life).

I would talk about the dream here, but that is irrelevant. I need to talk. Blabber. Get my mind off the shit my mind is trying to concoct. Though, I believe dreams have a message, and my repeated dreams about one thing in particular are not doing a good job of sending that message across. I think the next obsession might just be dream interpretation. Anyways, at 8:30 AM I do not know who to blabber to. Most of the people I usually talk to would be sleeping, or I just wouldn't talk to them about my dreams. Some I would talk to without blinking my eyes, I have unceremoniously cut out of my life for the time being. Though this is testing my iron will at every point, to succumb and pick up the phone and dial that one number I don't have anymore for this very reason. And then I remembered this – my blog. I've been meaning to write a blog about what made me start a blog. I've come up with different reasons – rebellion, expression, talking at large. But the answer is simple – the absence of presence. I started writing Peppered Insanity because there was an absence of a certain presence in my life that allowed me to express and be myself. A presence that allowed me to talk without thinking, think without talking, and never ever judged. The presence was human, but replacing human presence with another human is a long drawn process involving emotions, heartbreaks, mistakes and magic that I don't quite want to deal with at this point. So I chose a virtual presence instead :-). And it does a pretty darn good job I say! :-D

So while I try to get over my dream, and move on with my day, I give Peppered Insanity a big fat hug for just being. For the presence. For helping me overcome the absence in my weakest moments :-).  

psst - Who deleted this blog entry last time? It wasn't me!!! Aaaaa my blog has been compromised! :-P