I am not an easy daughter. I can be quite stubborn, easily irritable, impatient and I abhor questions. Ask me too many unnecessary, irrelevant and trivial details, and I will build a wall around myself and not respond to any conversation. Sometimes, I find this behaviour out of my realm of control. Or so I tell myself when I get unbearably angry. For parents two generations older, it is very hard to handle. But I do love my parents a lot (who doesn't).
My father has been planning a month long trek to Kailash Mansarovar for a couple of months now. I am in awe of his strength and determination to continue to push himself at this age, and I want to be there to support him for this journey in every way possible. But I have found it hard to come from a space of love, for no apparent reason. Sometimes, being snappy is just easier (sad sad truth it is). But the course of life has strange ways of driving home a point when required. Recently, one of my oldest and closest friend's lost his father all of a sudden. It still hasn't sunk in, and I don't think it entirely ever will. I remember the same friend's mother saying, when his grand mother passed away when we were some fifteen years old, that she has no regrets because she never had a useless fight with her mother. This event brought back a flood of very pleasant memories from a long time ago, accompanied by a twinge of pain, and a subtle reminder of the importance and fragility of life.
I spent two hours talking with my parents today evening, the longest in a long time. We talked about everything – from my work situation, to my life plans and philosophies. My mom and I as usual argued on the way I choose to live my life. But we argued peacefully, gave each other the space to talk and express our views. I did not lose my cool, stomp out of the room announcing how difficult it is for me to have a conversation with her, and shut myself from the world for a few hours. We talked about my dad's trip, which is only a week away now. About how we would keep in touch while he is trekking. For an evening I shared his excitement and faith in what he is going out to do, despite resistance from the world around him (no guesses for where I get that streak in me from!). For an evening, I let him openly see how inspired I am by him. For an evening, I gave my parents the opportunity I should have a long time ago – to be able to share their life with their youngest daughter, and to be a part of hers. I have always felt that nothing is more important for me than family, friends and human relationships. No work, ideal or passion can replace them for me. My biggest passion is my loved ones, and an ever expanding circle of relationships I am willing to give of myself to. This is the first time I feel like I am truly living it.
Being able to overcome my petty issues with my parents, I have been reminded of the interdependence and love with which we all live. I have been reminded of the importance of patience. And most importantly, I have been reminded of the importance of humility. I am grateful to my parents for bringing me up in a manner such that I am strong enough to be open to learnings at every stage of life.
I love you a lot Mom and Dad!
nice. but i dont think issues with parents are petty. they are as important as the sun it to the earth or as inconsequential as Rebbecca Black. just depends on the moment and situation I guess. Life is frail but I dont think one has to feel bad thinking that there were big fights with a parent(s) just because they passed away. Its a fight. It IS life and it is how the relationship with loved ones is. if you dint have those fights, you wouldn't be who you are and who you are today. Opening up to parents its tough.. mostly because they dont let you. parents come from a very different time. TV changes us. America changed us. but thats another topic altogether even though very connected. Anyway as long as you did right by them I think its all good. every fight along the way is important but in the grand scheme of things.. very petty... and pretty much accomplishes nothing. your parents don't change the way you want to and you wont change the way they want you to. it is just wise to accept that thats what life is and enjoy the constant headbutting and dont take it to heart most of the time. I hope I made some amount of sense
ReplyDeleteI'm a curious cat, and before I respond to the comment, curiosity demands I ask if you really are an old acquaintance. And if so, who? Of course, such an abstruse name limits my old acquaintances down to one or two, to the point that I could almost know who you are, if you really are an old acquaintance that is. But I should still ask.
ReplyDeleteNow a response to my oldacquaintance - Of course issues and fights with parents and natural, and in some cases important. I am at no point saying that they are not a part of life, or there is any way to avoid them. But over time, our attitude and approach to these conflicts should/can change. Or at least I felt mine should. My issues were as inconsequential as Rebbecca Black (clear giveaway, btw), if not more. And something extremely personal, yet external, reminded me of that. We deal with conflicts that are not of a personal nature very maturely. Why, then, is it so hard for us to deal with the personal ones with the same amount of maturity?
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree with the essence of what you are saying, I'm not sure if you got what I am trying to say. Also, this is probably the most personal blog entry I have written. And maybe what you said is very personal as well...
pssst psst... Of course TV and America has changed us. That is my favourite topic for a conversation ever - and how it connects to EVERYTHING else in life! But, don't you know that already?
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ReplyDeleteI am not spilling any beans on my identity. Even that blog name was created specifically for you.
ReplyDeleteAs far as why we handle personal matters immaturely goes.. I think that's why they call it "personal". Because you just have so much of yourself invested in them and the people involved that all that emotion just cannot be composed. But you already know that.
I did understand what you wrote.. from what i could sense, I felt a certain guilt/regret in your tone for all the supposed bad times. Wishing it or you could have been better. I was just saying that it couldn't have been. It was never meant to be. If you handled those moments in a diplomatic way rather than a fight, then I would have to say that you dint have all of yourself believing in your words and actions and the issue that you would have been fighting for wouldn't actually be all that important to you in deep down. Of course Im assuming that you fought because you felt from the bottom of your heart that you were right and not just fighting for the sake of it
And yeah I suppose how we deal with it as we grow up CAN change.. but its a two way street. Your parents will never change or handle the situation differently... and hence your relationship with them will never change and you will continue to handle it the same way you do unless there comes a time that their words simply sound like a passing noise. In other words.. Im trying to say that dont be so hard on yourself.. you did the best you could. Dont blame yourself... I say blame your parents too :). I know you probably think "how could I do that.. They have done so much for me". True.. but that doesn't mean that they do everything perfect. they are human too and they make so many mistakes and handle things immaturely despite their age that its ridiculous. Its a tough thought to wrap your head around but once you do things become easier.
I hope you have deciphered my identity and I hope I have not said anything that doesn't make sense or crossed some kind of line
Who defined the line that should not be crossed?
ReplyDeleteYou assume a lot of things. First, in most cases I was fighting to fight, not for something I believed in or cared for. Like I said, sometimes, snapping is just easier.
Second, guilt and regret - perception of incorrect emotions. Perceptive abilities failing out here? Hard on myself - no. But wanting to be more patient and calm (not exclusively with parents) - yes. You seem very bothered about me being hard on myself?!
Third - the question here is not about trying to change them, or myself for that matter. However, me being me, I would focus on changing myself for the better, irrespective of whether the rest of the world changes or not. Life is meant to be learnt from, not pass the blame on. For how long are we going to keep blaming our parents? If every individual is a product of their social conditioning, our parents play an important role in how we are conditioned. But if I'm not willing to change my approach, why should I expect the same from them? Especially, when they come from a generation not influenced by television, America and all the other social factors that have created the confused generation we live in today?
Obviously parents make mistakes! Many mistakes! I make mistakes too, and will continue to when (if I ever do, that is) become a parent. Putting the blame on someone else for things you can improve within yourself still doesn't make any sense. Of course, knowing when you've done your bit in a situation, and then stepping back, is also an important skill.
And of course the blog name was created specifically for me. It is interesting how you want to send a message across through the name, but still be shrouded in secrecy... Hmmm....