'The Great Game'

I thought I was going to be writing this in a unbiased state of mind about how ridiculous it is to expect cricket to bring about peace, and what if it could have. Instead I am writing this buzzed on an uncountable number of beers, ecstatic about India's win in the India-Pakistan world cup semi final, eagerly waiting for Saturday. Boy was that an exciting match that had me holding onto the edge till the end. Every scream, every jump, every abuse was completely worth it!

Life came to a standstill for the entire bloody nation. Everyone I know, cricket fan or not, was waiting with baited breath for 2:30 PM. Hearts were racing, casual bets were made and everyone had one question on their mind – will India win or lose? The atmosphere was surreal, whether you were watching it at the stadium, at home, with friends or somewhere out on a big screen. I was watching the match at a couple of friends place, and before their half day at work got over (yes, most offices also declared a half day for the match!) I was at their place. Throughout the match it felt like I was watching a movie, not because it all felt staged, but because it felt so real! Like a thriller that transports you to a different place and you feel like you're the one facing the heat of the moment. Emotions were running high, the screams kept getting louder and eventually I couldn't get my eyes off the screen. We were ecstatic, enjoying ourselves to the fullest. And to think that two entire nations were probably going through similar emotions at the same time was, well, quite insane and powerful!

Which brings me to what actually prompted me to write this... Some 48 hours before the match, the media went ballistic talking about the match and everything remotely linked to it. And with Manmohan Singh inviting Gilani to watch the it the inevitable India-Pakistan peace discussion had to resurface. Where are Singh and Gilani eating dinner, what was the menu for dinner, how are they behaving with each other and obviously, will this lead to a new direction of peace talks. It was kind of ridiculous and grossly blown out of proportion. It's a game and let a game be a game. And while I see the logic in that, the not so logical part that blew my mind is that about 1.3 billion people watched this match. The last football worldcup final was 715 million. With a big chunk of the 'social sector' employing sports for development and peace, using the 'great game' to spread some peace and love amongst 1.3 billion people is quite amazing, no matter how distant an idealistic goal it is. When all else is failing, at least we're not running out of creative options for a more loving brotherhood!

Rants and a Question

Suppose this was my Fellowship year and C.R.C.I. was my partner organization. I know there are some technical issues in that - like I'm based out of Delhi and my project is no way a community based project. But suppose this was my Fellowship year. Week one over and I am not happy where I am. Time and again I've told myself it's okay, it will get better. Don't rush, it has just been a week. I know all of this is true. And I am actually okay with waiting till things speed up, even if I don't have a community to immerse myself in till then. I'll wait till the field work starts, till the writing starts.

But I have very underlying issues with the way the place functions. It feels like a school. It is run like a school. The fear is like that of a school. There is no conversation, no interaction. You sit, you work, you go. In the process you also get to listen to somebody tell you how stupid you are, or the fact that you don't know how to work or something of the sorts. Claustrophobic. And for someone like me who comes from a non-academic, artsy social background, this environment is crippling. I'll do your copy paste work but how on earth do you expect me to exercise my creative side and write? And then on top of that you want to be addressed as 'Maam'!!! I have a repulsion to that word. Initially I thought it was my ego talking - how and why should I call anyone maam. But there's more to it. First off, I think it perpetuates the student attitude, and when you're trying to make the environment as professional as possible, that is kind of counter productive. Second, it creates a divide and communication barrier. That might work well in the academic architectural environment, but if I am here on a creative endeavor to write with and for you, it kind of defeats the purpose. I come from an environment and belief where you invest in the person, you build relationships with them, you nurture them and both grow together in various ways. You're inhibiting that mutual journey by creating such an obvious distinction. It is almost imperialistic. Actually, it is imperialistic. 

Now if this was my fellowship year, I would feel all of this, rave and rant to my fellowship support. Try 'problem solving' - talking to the person involved. Explain to them with a calm mind from a space of love how their attitude does not work, how and why I would like to address them as something else and not maam. I would be honest and forthright and peaceful most importantly! But since this is not my fellowship, I am grumpy and angry and whiny and I don't want to stick it out! I said no to four other amazing offers from some amazing people for this, and I know I can still go back to them. But then... then what???? I know I'll be running away. Running away from things that make me uncomfortable. Things that I don't like. And the most disturbing fact is fear. I feel scared because I see it around me, because I feel meek when someone talks to me a certain way, looks at me a certain way. I feel insecure, unsure of myself, of my capabilities. I look around for acceptance, for accolades. But in my head I am strong woman who never bows down. Only in my head.

I don't know what I'll do. Right now, I miss Indicorps, I miss the field, I miss Agunda, I miss community and relationships. I am confined to walls again. But I don't want to give up, I don't want to quit. I want to be strong. I want to live without fear, with my head held up high. I want to stand up for what I believe in, without being confrontational. I want to speak my thoughts without being fearful. I want to be comfortable with who I am and I want to make sure I come across that way. But how do I maintain that balance between fearlessness and strength and aggression?

And I Relent...

What is with our generation's compulsion to share every thought with the world? Even before you think of it, it's up on facebook or twitter. I hate it! Mostly because it goes against the self-contained image of myself I've created in my head. But the truth is, I really do enjoy sharing every damn thought! So instead of fighting against it, I decided to 'embrace' it. And hence was born Peppered Insanity! A little bit of this and a little bit of that. A little bit of what goes through my head. Here's to the constantly active mind that makes my life hell at times (well, maybe most times). To that feeling of incompleteness (or occasional completeness) that pushes me to express. To all the crazy things I do, want to do, miss doing, regret doing. Here's to ME and my peppered insanity! :-D