Suppose this was my Fellowship year and C.R.C.I. was my partner organization. I know there are some technical issues in that - like I'm based out of Delhi and my project is no way a community based project. But suppose this was my Fellowship year. Week one over and I am not happy where I am. Time and again I've told myself it's okay, it will get better. Don't rush, it has just been a week. I know all of this is true. And I am actually okay with waiting till things speed up, even if I don't have a community to immerse myself in till then. I'll wait till the field work starts, till the writing starts.
But I have very underlying issues with the way the place functions. It feels like a school. It is run like a school. The fear is like that of a school. There is no conversation, no interaction. You sit, you work, you go. In the process you also get to listen to somebody tell you how stupid you are, or the fact that you don't know how to work or something of the sorts. Claustrophobic. And for someone like me who comes from a non-academic, artsy social background, this environment is crippling. I'll do your copy paste work but how on earth do you expect me to exercise my creative side and write? And then on top of that you want to be addressed as 'Maam'!!! I have a repulsion to that word. Initially I thought it was my ego talking - how and why should I call anyone maam. But there's more to it. First off, I think it perpetuates the student attitude, and when you're trying to make the environment as professional as possible, that is kind of counter productive. Second, it creates a divide and communication barrier. That might work well in the academic architectural environment, but if I am here on a creative endeavor to write with and for you, it kind of defeats the purpose. I come from an environment and belief where you invest in the person, you build relationships with them, you nurture them and both grow together in various ways. You're inhibiting that mutual journey by creating such an obvious distinction. It is almost imperialistic. Actually, it is imperialistic.
Now if this was my fellowship year, I would feel all of this, rave and rant to my fellowship support. Try 'problem solving' - talking to the person involved. Explain to them with a calm mind from a space of love how their attitude does not work, how and why I would like to address them as something else and not maam. I would be honest and forthright and peaceful most importantly! But since this is not my fellowship, I am grumpy and angry and whiny and I don't want to stick it out! I said no to four other amazing offers from some amazing people for this, and I know I can still go back to them. But then... then what???? I know I'll be running away. Running away from things that make me uncomfortable. Things that I don't like. And the most disturbing fact is fear. I feel scared because I see it around me, because I feel meek when someone talks to me a certain way, looks at me a certain way. I feel insecure, unsure of myself, of my capabilities. I look around for acceptance, for accolades. But in my head I am strong woman who never bows down. Only in my head.
I don't know what I'll do. Right now, I miss Indicorps, I miss the field, I miss Agunda, I miss community and relationships. I am confined to walls again. But I don't want to give up, I don't want to quit. I want to be strong. I want to live without fear, with my head held up high. I want to stand up for what I believe in, without being confrontational. I want to speak my thoughts without being fearful. I want to be comfortable with who I am and I want to make sure I come across that way. But how do I maintain that balance between fearlessness and strength and aggression?
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